Gekido Ichizoku Taimuzu
by sausuge
Summary: Naruto's first birthday gift. Jiraiya's first black eye that lasted longer than a week. [oneshot, humor, fatherXson bonding between Jiraiya and Naruto, NONyaoi, sweetfunny]


**Gekido Ichizoku** **Taimuzu…  
****Exasperating Family times...**

It was his sixteenth birthday. They had been away from Konoha for three years, and only a few days ago, Jiraiya-sensei had remarked that they would be heading back in the next few months.

Naruto was currently training in an empty field just outside the small, sleazy village they were currently residing in. He had been training for two days straight now, no sleep, no food, and definitely no sake.

Uzumaki Naruto was no longer the innocent thirteen year old that had left with the pervy ninja. While he did still hold some of his prior innocence (only about women) he was definitely different.

My fist kill had been only one month after I had left Konoha with the old perv. It was a mission we had taken from Konoha. Since we were going to be out of Konoha borders, Baba-chan gave us some mission on the side, just to get us money. While we were assisting a family to their quaint little village, somewhere near the borders to the fire country, we were attacked by a rogue group of bandits. The little family, apparently, was very loaded.

What occurred went by so fast; it was almost like it hadn't happened. Ero-Sennin was surrounded by three bandits, and a forth was coming up behind him. I know he probably could have taken them, but I was eager to do some 'butt-whooping'. I threw a kunai straight at the guy's masked head, thinking that he would be able to dodge it… he didn't. After Ero-Sannin had taken care of the rest of the bandits, we both had to, at least moderately, clean up the broken bandits. It was then we found him. When my kunai made contact with his head, apparently, it had enough force to knock off his mask. The boy was no older than me… twelve, maybe thirteen. I sat there for what seemed like a long time… just stared at him, until Jiraiya-sensei finally covered him with an extra blanket. Then he had to practically drag me away from the boy.

That night we camped out by a river, the family already back at home, nice and cozy, and I couldn't help but think about the boy's family, at home crying because there son, or there brother was dead. Or maybe they weren't aware that he was dead yet. Maybe his mother was sitting at home, waiting by the door for her little boy to come home…

I sat next to the river and cried my little heart out. I had to have been there for a total of five minutes before Jiraiya-sensei was by my side. That night was or first 'bonding-moment'. He stayed up with me and listened to my crazy, if unintelligible, ramblings; about a door and a little boy or whatever else he could decipher from my sorrow clouded speech. I hadn't cried like that many times. And when I had, I was always by myself. It felt nice to have Ero-Sannin there to listen to me, and to tell me funny stories of when he was still young like me… It felt nice to have someone care…

We hadn't had many 'bonding moments', but the few we did have would forever be stored in my mind. Jiraiya was someone special to me, maybe even more so then Iruka-sensei, or… or Sasuke-teme…

The others were usually during training, when Jiraiya-sensei would be thoughtful enough to bring me little treats or something another, or when he would praise me for learning a new move so quickly. It really was the first time anybody had praised me, aside from Iruka-sensei; Kakashi-sensei was always off with Sasuke-teme, though, I suppose he can't do that anymore…

Oh well, soon enough, when I go and drag Sasuke-teme back, Kakashi-sensei can coddle him all he wants. He he! But, right now is not the time to be thinking of Sasuke-teme, right now is the time to concentrate on the new grapple/chakra fusion Ero-Sennin taught me. Okay now, focus your chakra into the flow of your arm and…

Man this sucks…

* * *

Damn that kid! He's too damn troublesome! I could be out … 'collecting information'! Not shopping for some arrogant, hard-headed brat like him!

…But then again, I guess he's not so bad… Bah! What am I thinking! It's not like I think of him as some kinda weird official unofficial adopted son or anything… I mean, that would be just weird… stupid kid…

Jiraiya was currently walking down the very sleazy streets of the very sleazy village that he and Naruto were currently occupying. He had purposefully stopped at this village for a reason very different from what Naruto was thinking. He had told the brat he was going to look for information on the Akatsuki, and the boy simply stared at him with a mix of exasperation and suspicion. That is, until he occupied the now-teen boy's mind with a new move he had skillfully crafted. The boy would never master it, no one had, simply because it wasn't real, and when Naruto came home tonight, he would tell him, and they'd both have a good laugh, maybe even some sake… or women… well, probably not, since Naruto seemed to dislike the thought of seducing women…

Hmph… stupid boy… he's no fun. I wouldn't be surprised if he played for the other team, with the way he acts with women… hmm, then again, he had to have gotten his reference for his 'Harem no Jutsu' somewhere, right?

Then again, he's so innocent… well… he was…

Man, I wonder what Tsunade-chan will do to me when she sees that I've influenced Naruto so much. What with the drinking and gambling. Damn was he good at gambling; always had a full Gama-pouch, heh. Well, at least he's not a pervert… yet. Heh heh!

Well, if I'm gonna turn him to lecherousy, I had better do it soon, I only have one month left with the kid. Man, I hate the foreboding feeling I get when I think about leavin' the kid. Then again, I should worry; I mean there's not much for the kid to look foreword to when he gets there. Like he's gonna be overjoyed at the familiar cold glares, or the way-too-over-priced items or the snide remarks people give him or the hate… the unrequited hate…

That boy is too nice. If I were him I'd of left a long time ago… but then again, he was still just a kid, and he didn't have anywhere to go… but now Naruto has me…

…Wait a second did I just think that? Man! That kid's getting way too annoying to keep around. Even though I want to… sigh…

But… Naruto did have all those people that actually do love him. Of course, they don't know the truth. I wonder what they would do if they did. Leave him? I hope not.

Maybe that was why Naruto seemed so grateful to me, 'cause I accepted him? Of course I would! He's just a kid! Not to mention an innocent kid. He didn't destroy Konoha or the fourth, the Kyuubi did. That's just the facts, plain and simple. Though I do find it ironic; the things he does… they just seem so fox-like.

For example: the way he squints he eyes up when he get that foxy grin of his, or when he's thinking, or in a serious situation. Or, of course the familiar three whiskers on both his cheeks, Or the uncanny luck he has with the slot machines, or the pranks, and list goes on, but even though that stuff was fox-like, didn't mean he was the fox. He was Naruto, the hyper-active, knuckle-headed, number one brat. A now 16 brat.

I still can't believe he wouldn't tell me today was his birthday. We skipped it the last two years because we were in more intense training. Did he think I didn't care? Now that's just ridiculous! Stupid brat… but, that leads me to wonder if Naruto has ever celebrated his birthday. He has no one that would be that close to him, aside from that academy teacher and his three teammates. And I'm fairly sure a pink-haired infatuated brat, that thinks Naruto is stupid, a stuck-up, to-good-for-emotions-or-companions traitor, and a perverted cyclops sensei, that is more interested in his AWOL protégé, would care much about a big-hearted blonde foxy brat's birthday.** (1)**

Okay, this is no time to be dilly-dallying; I have to get the brat the thing I came here for. Now where the hell was that damn shop…?

Man this sucks…

* * *

I managed to drag myself back to the dingy little inn the old pervert and I were staying at, which was surprising, because I was fairly certain I'd have to fight over some alley way to crash in with the rather ferocious looking cat that has been stalking me all day. Man was I tired. All I wanted to do was lay down, close my eyes, and-

…what the hell was this?

There, on Naruto's bed sat a medium sized white box, Jiraiya sleeping rather peacefully in his bed, situated next to his own.

"…what the hell?" I voiced my thoughts, with more irritation than I had initially intended.

I was met with the sound of the Sannin's snore. Not exactly the answer I was looking for… I growled in irritation, balling my fists at my sides, trying not to scream at the top of my lungs. I had managed to master the rather difficult move after around eight straight hours of training. I had then moved myself to a ramen stand, bought and ate around thirty cups, stopped off in a bathroom, and after taking care of those major needs, was planning to slip into sweet unconsciousness. But, not so. Jiraiya's constant need to agitate me had finally broken a new record. I would murder him.

Finally, after stewing in my misery and anger for a few more minutes, I kicked the Sannin, in the back, which happened to be the side facing me, which in turn, resulted in a moan and the ever-so-graceful 'flop' of him turning onto his stomach. I sat for another minute or so, as the peacefully sleeping Sannin continued to snore. **(2)** Again, I tried to suppress the anger welling inside of me. But not for long…

"ERO-SENSEI! GOD DAMNIT! (kick) I'M TIRED, (kick) SO GET YOUR STUPID STUFF (kick) OFF A' MY BED! ... (kick)"

This brought forth another moan, with the unceremonious scratch of the butt. Then, he finally propped himself up onto his elbows, and looked up at me, perplexed. Glancing down to his left, at my bed, while rubbing his rib cage where I had bestowed my beating, he stated simply:

"'s not my stuff. 's yours."

And with that, he promptly rolled over, back facing me and the much anticipated bed.

"…Nani?" I ask baffled. What did mean 'mine'? I didn't leave anything on the bed, did I?

"I said, 's yours." His voice sounded again, only slightly muffled by the sheets.

"…No it's not… is it?" "Yeah, it is… 's your birthday present… from me…" why did it seem like only his 'it's' were suffering from the mixture of a tired slur and the muffling sheets-

WAIT! What!

"Nani?" I asked, considerably more calm. "I said, 's your birthday gift." again with the 'it's', but on to more pressing matters…

My birthday gift? from Jiraiya-sensei?

"…But…when did you… why did you…?" "Well, I didn't get you anything the last two times, did I? 's the least I can do…"

"…You…didn't have to…" I was whispering now, my eyes covered by the shadow my loose bangs were making.

"Yeah… but I did." He sounded considerably more aware now.

So finally, I crouched down, and picked the box up, sliding it in to my lap as I moved further down to cross my legs.

I heard the sheets next to me shuffle, as Jiraiya sat up. I glanced at him; I couldn't see his face, as he had turned his head away, therefore, wasn't sure what to make of the situation. But, with a sigh, a pick up the lid to the white box, and closed my eyes in anticipation for an explosion of some sort.

But none came. I peek my eye open to find… cloth. Not a cruel joke or prank, **(3)** but clothes. Clothes that look considerably more comfortable than my current ones. And what was more surprising was that they were orange!

Ero-sensei and I had had many an argument over the color of my outfit, him saying that orange was an impractical color for ninjas to wear, and me saying, in my most mature of voices, that he was an impractical color for ninjas to wear. Oh yes, it made sense.

I pulled the fruit colored material from the box and stared at it. It looked similar to the current one was wearing; only there was black around where the blue was and the fur was replaced by a black turtle neck. I pulled at it a little more, to get a better look at the pants, only to hear a loud 'clank' sound, the sound of metal hitting the ground, I looked to my right, only to find my hitai-ate with a new band, black in color, and quite a bit longer. **(4)**

I sat quietly stunned at the underlined meaning to this gift…

It meant he cared.

"…Nani?" he asked after he finally stole a glance over his shoulder. I suppose I didn't look real ecstatic, but I was.

"Ano… Nanedo…" I scrunch my eyes up into my signature fox-like grin, mostly to hide my tears, and move my head up in his direction.

"Keh… If you don't like it, I can take it back. I got it at half-price anyway; I'm friends with the guy who made it." He still didn't look me in the eyes.

"Iie. It's not that. It's just that…Ano…" how should I put this…

"Mo… it's the first birthday present I've ever received… that's all…" I suppose his look was surprised, since I saw I slow raise of the eyebrow, and widening of the eye.

"…Domo…" I say quietly, looking at my new attire…

"Humph…" he muffles. It's awkward for a few minutes, as neither of us want to talk first.

I suppose this is another one of our 'bonding moments'. My first gift; my first celebration. It was nice, if not awkward.

Finally, I voiced a question.

"When did you have time to get this?" this gets his attention, as he finally turns to look at me.

"Oh, earlier while you were practicing that fake move." …

"…Nani? 'Fake move'?" "Yeah. That grappling move? I made that up spur of the moment. Pretty good, neh?"

...okay, I had been wrong earlier, NOW Ero-Jiraiya had reached a new high in his record…

"…NANI?" I shout so the inn owners were able to hear me, if not Baba-chan. "What's the big deal?"

"I PRACTISED YOUR STUPID MOVE FOR 8 HOURS, AND IT'S A FAKE! I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!"

…would Rasengan be too obvious? Maybe I should just use a plain old kunai…?

* * *

At that exact point in time, Jiraiya realized: the stupid brat really wasn't worth it.

* * *

_Man this sucks…

* * *

_

End.

* * *

**At the end there, it's in italics cause they both think it.**

**So…? How d'ya like it, nyah? I think it's cute, nyah… well, another one-shot for the Naruto fandom. I have another idea, but I have yet to start it, and don't know if I will, nyah… hmm… who knows? Oh, well. I really love the whole Jiraiya as a father figure to Naruto thing. Well yeah… here's the stuff, nyah:**

**(1): **Okay… I'm sure that's a run-on sentence… if not, some kind of grammatical horror story… meh…

**(2): **Say that three times fast…

**(3): **Naruto's not used to gifts or anything, so he thought it would be a trick… how sad…

**(4): **(SPOILER!) This is the outfit that Naruto wears in part two of the manga, when he's 16. (SPOILER OVER!)

**Japanese Dictionary:**

**Sasuke-teme: **it means 'Sasuke bastard', or something to the liking of this… such good friends they are…

**-sensei: **it is an honorific that students use meaning** '**Teacher'. Example: Jiraiya-sensei – teacher Jiraiya, or to us U S of A's: Mr. Jiraiya.

**Sannin: **one of the three legendary ninjas.

**Sennin:** this means 'Hermit' in Japanese. Jiraiya first introduced himself as a sennin, or a hermit, since he (SPOILER!) traveled away from his home in Konoha after Orochimaru, his best friend/teammate/rival, betrayed Konoha. (SPOILER OVER!) he lived by himself, and generally didn't socialize, aside from women of course.

**Ero-: **it means 'pervert'.

**Ero-Sannin: **one of Naruto's nicknames for Jiraiya, meaning 'perverted legendary ninja'.

**Ero-sensei: **One of Naruto's nicknames for Jiraiya, meaning** '**perverted teacher'

**Ero-Sennin: **One of Naruto's nicknames for Jiraiya, meaning 'perverted Hermit'

**Nanedo: **translates to 'nothing'.

**Iie: **translates to 'no'.

**Hai: '**yes'

**Ano: **similar to 'um'.

**Mo: **a noise that many use to start a sentence, no significant meaning.

**Nani: **translates to 'what'.

**Domo: **slangy version of 'thank you'.

**Hitai-ate: **that head band all ninja wear with the symbol of their village on it.

**I think that's it… please review! And check out my other Naruto one-shot and review that too, onegai! (Please)**


End file.
